It’s a bit of a general ponder for me tonight, but here it goes:

How can you tell when you’re really feeling something as opposed to thinking you’re feeling something?

…God, I can’t really think of a general-esque example without insinuating the situation from my life. ARGH!

I really don’t like this racking my brain for answers thing, especially when I cannot get an answer. My main shrink would normally be able to help me, but he’s my ex-boyfriend; might get just a little awkward, although the subject was brought up multiple times in front of him tonight.

I really don’t know what’s going on and I don’t want to hurt anyone. I don’t need a repeat of last year (with Dutchman and Nicole), and I certainly don’t need a repeat of my last relationship (the end of it, mainly).

Ou vej. And when life was just starting to get easier again….

I have no complaints. I just wish I could figure things out a little easier.

And for once I’m not purposely using the name of a song as my post title. Well, “Meteor Shower” is a most wonderful song by Owl City, but this has nothing to do with it. Today, I go literal.

Follow ze link =).

I was only out for a few minutes before I was defeated by the cold, but I plan to go back out momentarily. And actually, just like my post about that massive thunderstorm back in June – go click on the archives, I really don’t feel like linking to it – this just might be the natural phenomenon of a push that I need to move on with my life.

Which, hell, is always a good thing.

But seriously, that’s what I needed last June. That storm, and that month, led to such an emotional calm – a self-serving serenity. I’m not completely barking on it, but I hope this can do the same thing.

And, if not, there’s always NaNoWriMo.

Yes, I’m going to attempt it this year. I’m a first-timer, but at the very least it’ll teach me the discipline that I need to finally finish NP (which I actually worked on a little tonight). She’s almost five, you know. I’m getting ready to send her off to kindergarten now.

Wow, five years. That’s one-fourth of my life. Quite the daunting discovery, really. Like, I knew the anniversary was approaching, but it didn’t hit me that I actually spent five years of my life on something. I’m not sure I’ve had that much devotion/patience to one thing before (aside from my obsession with the Harry Potter series). o_O

Anyway, back to the meteor shower.

My eyesight isn’t all that great but I was awed by what I managed to see. Like I’ve said before, I’m a complete sucker for nature phenomenons. They’re absolutely gorgeous, and I’ve never seen a meteor shower before – the last one occurring while I was back home (and not allowed to leave my house to observe the beauty of it all).

I will eventually have my sunrise rant. ♥

PS. I am in love with Relient K right now despite that they’re mainly a Christian rock band and I’m Agnostic.

I really need a brick right now.

Well, for starters, I have a pounding headache and many times throughout my life (or even the past few years when they grew worse – as well as my neck pain) I’ve learned that Advil and Tylenol don’t really work for me. One of my friends said it’s more of a mental thing, and I guess I don’t have the mentality or faith to convince myself that they’ll work.

Yet I keep taking them, hoping that this time’s different. Like with most aspects of my life.

Honestly, I don’t even know why I’m venting on here. Perhaps is that it’s because I’ve consulted my other handy journal so often in the past week – albeit for good reason – that I’ve overused the magic, of sorts, to it and all I have is my words.

Really, reading back at everything I’ve noticed that the cliché is true: A writers’ worst critic is themselves. And throughout the four years that I’ve been blogging and journal-writing seriously I’ve noticed that I’m quite hard on myself. At the time I believe it to be true and that I deserve it, but it still hurts.

And now, when I’m just so hurt and lost and confused it’s even worse. I’m a not-so-hot mess, of sorts. Some deserved, some not, but all there. All there on my last weekend as a teenager, where I’m coming to think that I’m subconsciously setting myself on a highly dangerous path of self-destruction just because I haven’t really the past twenty years and this is my last chance to do so.

Yesterday in statistics my friend Dean said that I seemed dead. But then again, I was dead tired from the night before with that night hanging over my head – something I’ve only spoke about to a handful of people – and I possibly overreacted to his attempt to poke me.

Maybe I am right now. At least mentally.

I need this Nor’easter to stop. I need the weather to warm up. I need my hormones to stop acting up on me – I’m not used to this and I need it to stop. I need this weekend to start getting better. I need the Rave to happen.

And most importantly, I need this dark cloud to stop looming over my head.

Well, all things considered, I think today went rather well.

For starters, I didn’t know what to expect. The last time I had to deal with this situation, the conversation lasted maybe five minutes and we didn’t speak again for a month. And even today (well, not specifically today but this current period of time) we’re only on civil terms. In some ways I miss what I had with my first friend here at Rowan, but in others I’m glad we don’t hang anymore; he’s a bit of an asshole. >_<

Also, I’ve noticed in these kinds of situations I’m rather inept at keeping my emotions in check. I honestly had no idea whether I’d burst out in anger or tears, or if at all.

I am talking about the first awkward conversation with your ex after the break up.

And considering that it’s almost how it was before we dated I think that’s a very good sign. Obviously there are some changes, but for the most part the friendship is still the same. And for that I am extremely grateful.

As pathetic as it might sound, I honestly don’t know what I would do if I lost him for good.

So, with that slightly awkward matter mostly taken care of, I’ve got my birthday to look forward to. God, I’m turning 20; I feel so old! D:

That, and a Rave. And the possibility that one day my luck will turn around. <3

NOW…back to more pressing matters. Like my public speaking homework that I despise oh so much. I swear, if I could ever fail a class in college this one would probably be it. o_O

Hello, Blogosphere.

I’m not even sure what to say right now. I mean, I’m not at a loss for words, but I dunno. I’ve really been in the mood to blog/write/whatever the past few days but I don’t know what to say. I’m too lazy to get my journal out for a nice writing spree and whatever it is that I might want to say on here is probably too private for my taste (in this world of online-ness).

I’m just in a very odd mood right now. I’m still kinda-sorta on my endorphin high from mid-July, but I’ve also sunk back into a realm of normalcy. I see and observe what’s going on around me but much of it is trivial enough not to bother me. Or more rather I don’t care enough to start a big fuss over it.

Like Jon’s apartment. Most of them are shooting  eye daggers at someone in there. It’s annoying sometimes, but as long as I have the “DDR for your thumbs” game on his PSP I’m set. I just wish there were more songs (or I didn’t suck so bad at it).

Let’s see…where should I start? I guess  mentioning that…I FINALLY HAVE A JOB! With RAH Tech. So I might have sold my soul and I am now ‘technically’ (no pun intended) Mark’s bitch, but I’m sure it’ll be a learning experience. And Steph’s with me so it won’t be completely horrible. I don’t know why, but they declined Jon (whom we all thought was a definite shoe-in). Hmmm….

So with that the existence of a life is dwindling before my eyes. I have my show on Rowan Radio, I now do camera work for RTN, I write for The Whit, and now this. Oh, and this weekend I’m planning to see a play right here in Bunce Hall and I’m gripping a camera for Mark during RAH on Friday. Plus, six classes….okay, one of them is Wocho and that doesn’t really count, but I could be sleeping during that time slot. Ise a busy bee.

And I actually got stung by one of those a couple weeks ago. Well, it was probably a wasp, but you get the idea. It gave me quite the itchy finger for a few days or so. >_<

But now I’m just sitting here in my living room typing away at this and gaining music from Lindsey. Not much out of the mundane. I do remember saying a few months ago – even on here, actually – that I was perfectly happy and content with my dull existence. That was my attitude throughout June.

I’m definitely glad that there’s no big fuss going on with my life right now. School and otherwise keeps me busy enough.

And with the yawn I just released (not to be giving my few readers Twitter-esque updates) I think I’ll be going to bed soon. I’ve got another early and long day ahead of me tomorrow. =)