Ah, reflections.

I’m coming to the end of a very odd semester.

No, truly it is. Yes, I had my share of firsts last year, back when I was younger and naïve, but now as I look back, I’ve done so much more. Well, not things I regret – you should never live with regrets – but probably some things I may not be the most proud of.

I need a revamp of myself.

I mostly got the idea for this from looking back at the notes written by a good friend of mine (who, sadly, is graduating this semester) for a different note on Facebook. I suppose it’s a good thing to reflect. -shrugs-

I always seemed to know so much more when I was an innocent onlooker. Example: My advice to Jon over the summer in the midst of a broken heart. Despite anything that went on in my head at the time I gave him my two-cents as a dear friend. I ended up giving that same advice to another friend about six months later, and then I realized something.

I need to follow my own advice more. I’m not the most moronic person in the universe. My naïve self knew things back in the day, back when I could really claim innocence.

I wish things were back to the way they were this time last year, but I know that will never happen. My college family hates each other too much for that to happen. Like, we couldn’t even have Christmas dinner the other night without rawr-rawr tension.

…Maybe it’s time to search for a new family, of sorts. But seriously, this sums up how my friends are to each other: True life.

I know that many people – including myself – have issues with seeing these depressive-esque entries. I try to, but all I can do right now is give a sad smile. I need this vacation to reexamine myself, a cleansing of sorts, and so I can come out of break a better person. Or at least one that I don’t cringe at upon recalling past nights. >.<

Ah, to finals week. Fun shit right here. FML.

PS. Every time I’ve said this to one of my friends he thinks I’m insane (I only specified because I’ve only told guys so far). I don’t want any contact, of sorts, with anyone for awhile. Believe me, I have my reasons. I really do. And despite the whole cliché of “Oh, nobody understands me!” bullshit that everyone with a Twitter/Facebook/blog bemoans, they don’t get it.

I absolutely hate that.

But really, all I’ll need over break – hopefully – is some nice solitude. I could really go for that. Not to mention the tranquility, lack of drama – save, probably, New Year’s – and lack of boys to fuck around with my head. Yes, that’s perfect.

I want your love and I want your revenge

The mind is a very odd thing, I’ve realized. Not just because I have a very fucked up one, but how things work. Especially memory. It’s fascinated me for years, but especially tonight.

Because tonight I was hypnotized for the first time.

It was such a weird experience. Not weird in a bad way, but just…weird.

It started off with relaxation exercises. Deep breathing and all that. And although I know that things happened and I embarrassed myself, I can’t remember much of it. I know I did the YMCA dance and made immature hand gestures at the hypnotist and got really upset that he wouldn’t let us dance, but I don’t remember much else. It’s extremely fuzzy.

I know the whole thing’s only suggestive thoughts and ideas and orders, but it’s so weird. Like, how did it work so well?

I was definitely feeling adventurous this weekend and I thought it fitting to add to my array of firsts. But hey, I did realize something to poke fun at with the whole ordeal:

I can honestly say that I cannot remember tonight (and have a perfectly legitimate reason for it). =P

Brand New.

By nature I am certainly not a morning person – and I doubt I will truly ever be – but there’s just something about being up at 7-8 o’clock in the morning when the rest of the world is asleep that makes me wish I was a morning person.

I believe that as a writer I will always be a night owl – God, TV Industry will be a bitch on Tuesdays next semester – but I can’t describe it: Just standing there in a specific area – or a clearing – and knowing that you’re the only person (or one of few) awake and experiencing this phenomenon as nature prepares itself for the day.

As I walked to my car this morning heading to the local diner for breakfast with some of the band geeks I noticed all of this, a feeling I hadn’t had since the morning after Gabe’s 4th of July party.

With that, I also pondered the consequences of what I did the night before, the catalyst to the next three months of my life. And now I’m at another crossroads. It’s a bit cliché but hey, it really feels that way.

As Kurt’s said to me and many of his friends, this is a year of firsts for him. And, in a way, it still is for me. I’m slowly peeling away the layers of naiveté and living my life. Yes, college is still a number one priority, but I’m making sure to have as much fun as I can before I’m shoved into the Real World. I’m twenty now. D:

My main first that I’m proud of? It’s horribly cliché, but I had the rare opportunity of kissing a boy under the stars. During a meteor shower. It’s one of those stupid things that makes the hopeless romantic in me dance yet also hits a natural phenomena that I go gaga over. Honestly, how often will I get to do that again?

I  still want to see my sunrise. I still crave for more sunsets. And I hope to one day experience those with someone I am truly in love with. But I have ample time for that. ♥

You know, unless I get shot in Iraq or Afghanistan in ten years or so.