Falling away with you.

It’s a bit of a general ponder for me tonight, but here it goes:

How can you tell when you’re really feeling something as opposed to thinking you’re feeling something?

…God, I can’t really think of a general-esque example without insinuating the situation from my life. ARGH!

I really don’t like this racking my brain for answers thing, especially when I cannot get an answer. My main shrink would normally be able to help me, but he’s my ex-boyfriend; might get just a little awkward, although the subject was brought up multiple times in front of him tonight.

I really don’t know what’s going on and I don’t want to hurt anyone. I don’t need a repeat of last year (with Dutchman and Nicole), and I certainly don’t need a repeat of my last relationship (the end of it, mainly).

Ou vej. And when life was just starting to get easier again….

I have no complaints. I just wish I could figure things out a little easier.

Meteor showers. <3

And for once I’m not purposely using the name of a song as my post title. Well, “Meteor Shower” is a most wonderful song by Owl City, but this has nothing to do with it. Today, I go literal.

Follow ze link =).

I was only out for a few minutes before I was defeated by the cold, but I plan to go back out momentarily. And actually, just like my post about that massive thunderstorm back in June – go click on the archives, I really don’t feel like linking to it – this just might be the natural phenomenon of a push that I need to move on with my life.

Which, hell, is always a good thing.

But seriously, that’s what I needed last June. That storm, and that month, led to such an emotional calm – a self-serving serenity. I’m not completely barking on it, but I hope this can do the same thing.

And, if not, there’s always NaNoWriMo.

Yes, I’m going to attempt it this year. I’m a first-timer, but at the very least it’ll teach me the discipline that I need to finally finish NP (which I actually worked on a little tonight). She’s almost five, you know. I’m getting ready to send her off to kindergarten now.

Wow, five years. That’s one-fourth of my life. Quite the daunting discovery, really. Like, I knew the anniversary was approaching, but it didn’t hit me that I actually spent five years of my life on something. I’m not sure I’ve had that much devotion/patience to one thing before (aside from my obsession with the Harry Potter series). o_O

Anyway, back to the meteor shower.

My eyesight isn’t all that great but I was awed by what I managed to see. Like I’ve said before, I’m a complete sucker for nature phenomenons. They’re absolutely gorgeous, and I’ve never seen a meteor shower before – the last one occurring while I was back home (and not allowed to leave my house to observe the beauty of it all).

I will eventually have my sunrise rant. ♥

PS. I am in love with Relient K right now despite that they’re mainly a Christian rock band and I’m Agnostic.

Reflection

I really need a brick right now.

Well, for starters, I have a pounding headache and many times throughout my life (or even the past few years when they grew worse – as well as my neck pain) I’ve learned that Advil and Tylenol don’t really work for me. One of my friends said it’s more of a mental thing, and I guess I don’t have the mentality or faith to convince myself that they’ll work.

Yet I keep taking them, hoping that this time’s different. Like with most aspects of my life.

Honestly, I don’t even know why I’m venting on here. Perhaps is that it’s because I’ve consulted my other handy journal so often in the past week – albeit for good reason – that I’ve overused the magic, of sorts, to it and all I have is my words.

Really, reading back at everything I’ve noticed that the cliché is true: A writers’ worst critic is themselves. And throughout the four years that I’ve been blogging and journal-writing seriously I’ve noticed that I’m quite hard on myself. At the time I believe it to be true and that I deserve it, but it still hurts.

And now, when I’m just so hurt and lost and confused it’s even worse. I’m a not-so-hot mess, of sorts. Some deserved, some not, but all there. All there on my last weekend as a teenager, where I’m coming to think that I’m subconsciously setting myself on a highly dangerous path of self-destruction just because I haven’t really the past twenty years and this is my last chance to do so.

Yesterday in statistics my friend Dean said that I seemed dead. But then again, I was dead tired from the night before with that night hanging over my head – something I’ve only spoke about to a handful of people – and I possibly overreacted to his attempt to poke me.

Maybe I am right now. At least mentally.

I need this Nor’easter to stop. I need the weather to warm up. I need my hormones to stop acting up on me – I’m not used to this and I need it to stop. I need this weekend to start getting better. I need the Rave to happen.

And most importantly, I need this dark cloud to stop looming over my head.